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preview of fictional book in progress..:)
Published on October 22, 2008 By ShadowWar In Fiction

I would like your help please. The following is an excerpt from a fictional story I am writing for a possible book publishing. I would like to get your comments on this short piece please, and if the premise sounds interesting to you.


The story line is one of a serial killer that hunts for and finds his victims on the internet, and the cop that has to track and find him.


Chapter 1


Day 1, 2:30 p.m. The Hunter


As he sat in the chair and stared at the LCD screen on his laptop he wondered which hunting ground he would prowl next.


Which would it be tonight?


The room was darkened, that’s the way he liked it. He had installed the room darkening shades just after he had moved in. The lights were low, the curtains drawn and the LCD screen providing the pale glow of illumination for the room he began to settle in for the hunt. He face was cast in an eerie pale white glow.


The light gave him the look of a wax figure on display.  


The air was set cool because he knew that he would get warm as the hunt went on. He attributed this to the adrenaline rush he got when hunting and zeroing in on a target.

He had a drink handy, diet Coke, his favorite, as sometimes the hunt lasted for several hours and he sometimes got thirsty. He didn’t want to have to go to get a drink in the middle of the hunt. The chair he was in was comfortable and one he had picked out himself for this very purpose.


He remembered when he had gone to the office supply store and tried out several chairs. The clerk that was helping him was a very pretty petit blonde. He had engaged her in conversation, even flirted with her a bit, but he knew from the start that she was not one of his targets, she was to old, 30, and he had seen her face before deciding if he was going to make her one of his targets.


And that just wouldn’t do. He never saw their faces before he decided if they were going to be his.


He had chosen the chair and thanked the clerk for all her help. When he had paid cash for the chair the she had smiled at him. That made him uncomfortable. Why he wasn’t sure. He was always the one in control and her smile had briefly rocked his self assurance.

He rubbed the arm of the chair and thought about all the times he had sat in the chair and hunted.


The chair was his perch from which he would hunt until he found a target.


He looked at the screen of his laptop. It was a newer one, the second he had bought in a years time. It was a sleek powerful custom made machine from a local dealer, Mr. PC. It was fast and would run the newest programs. He also sometimes used Knoppix instead of Windows to get on the Internet. He liked the change of pace it offered. Plus if he had to hack into a system, he liked to use Knoppix over “windoz” anytime. The WiFi card in it allowed him to travel and take the laptop with him. He could gain access to the Internet from almost anywhere he traveled to and at most hotels. He had to smile to himself when he thought about how the Internet and especially the wireless internet now made his hunting that much easier. They called it “Wardriving” or “Warchualking”, he called it Warhunting. Or he just called it “the hunt”.


He could drive around a town he had traveled to and find hundreds of signals that he could then log into. Some were from private homes, some from businesses or hotels, but most were unsecured and easy to log into. There was no hacking needed. But he could do that if he had to. Most of the time the person or businesses whose internet signal he was using never even knew he was there.


The program he used, Netstumbler,  was very good at finding the signals. Sometimes just for fun and to kill time in between hunting sessions he would capture the internet packet data transmitted by those around him using wireless access. His LinkFerret software was one of his favorite toys to play with. It was very interesting to him how people would transmit things over the unsecured wireless. Things that if he had wanted to, he could have used them against the person or better yet, used the credit card numbers and other items for his own use. He had done that in the past and still was very good at it. His generous bank account showed his skill and he had never worked a day in his life, unless you called what he did work. Using the computer and the laptop to make money right from his chair.


It was almost time to start the hunt, it was 2:30 p.m. and his targets would be getting on the internet soon. Some may have already been on. He looked at his reflection in the mirror on the back of the door in his “den”. His tall six foot two frame was well proportioned. He was trim yet cut at 195 pounds. Hey when you didn’t have to work all day you could find time to work out in you own home. He had set one of his spare bedrooms up as a complete gym. He liked to work out, it made him feel energized. His blonde fine hair was cut short in a military style buzz cut. He liked the fact he did not have to care for his hair that much. He joked with his friends it was wash and wear style. He was dressed casually for the hunt. He had a loose fitting grey tank top and denim shorts on and his favorite pair of sandals. Of course if he went out later to get his target he would have to change.


He returned his gaze to the LCD screen. It was time to begin.



Day 1, 2:30 p.m. Detective CJ Lewis


Detective CJ Lewis was just walking in the district office when he noticed his office door was open. Crap!! He hated it when people went in his office. That’s why he had put the hasp and padlock on it. To keep everyone out. He had sensitive investigative equipment and files in his office and he didn’t want some scum lawyer trying to use the excuse of chain of custody of evidence to get his even scummier client off.


He thought to himself he must have not locked it up when he left last night and the damn cleaning crew was so efficient that if they saw his door was unlocked, they always went in and emptied his wastebasket. Not that it needed it since he would do it every night before he left. But he must have left it unlocked, and they must have left the door open when they finished cleaning his already clean office. This was starting out to be a great night already.


CJ worked the “Charlie” shift or afternoon shift. This was by choice since the subjects he would investigate were more numerous in the afternoons and evenings. He found he could find more targets for investigation by working Saturdays also.


He looked around his office to see if anything had been moved or disturbed in any way. Some people called him a neat freak, others called him odd. But everyone called him “Tracker” or said the C and J in his name stood for “Computer Jock”. He had an imposing build. While short at 5’11” he weighed almost 200 pounds and all of it was solid. Well mostly all of it. For the last few months he had been putting off those daily gym sessions and spending more time at home with Sam. Sam being short for Samantha, his 13 year old daughter. She was at what her mother called the “sensitive” stage, CJ just called it puberty and hormones. He had been very fit in the Army and had always led the way on the P.T. test and long road marches. He had loved the Army and its discipline. He felt that most of the worlds ills could be cured with a good dose of discipline.


Please let meknow what you think and if you would like more. Thanks for your help.

on Oct 22, 2008

I like the idea.  I would read a book like this...or most likely buy it on disc and listen to it when I work out.

You need an editor though.  There are a LOT of technical writing errors you should clean up to really sharpen the piece.